


Night terrors at daylight

by MenokoPapillon



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky needs some hugs, Bucky remembering, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reader-Insert, Romance, Self-Insert, Stockholm Syndrom, explicit sexual content in later chapters, my OC is a bit mad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-20
Updated: 2015-08-11
Packaged: 2018-03-13 22:59:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3399431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MenokoPapillon/pseuds/MenokoPapillon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For most people nightmares are a inconvenience that occures to them every once in a while. But what if your biggest nightmare is suddenly not in your head anymore, but actually in your apartment...</p>
<p>Reader-Insert about Bucky trying to find someone to stick to. Story takes place a year after the events of CA:TWS.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dear reader,  
> thank you for coming around to read my fanfiction. I have to admit, this is my first fanfiction in a very long time, so I am very sorry for all the little mistakes that you will probably find. I hope you enjoy reading this little piece from me and leave a comment to weather you liked it or not.  
> Thanks for passing by  
> MenokoPapillon
> 
> PS: Everything written in Cursive is a flashback.

The Apartment was cold and dark as you opened the door. It had been another long and strainful day, trying to analyze and – maybe, but only maybe - understand all the gear and ‘scientific research’ HYDRA had left behind, after their exposure and eventual fall. You didn’t bother to switch the lights on, your eyes still puffy and itchy from staring at a computer screen for more than ten hours. Not to mention that you’ve actually been living here for a year, hence you easily found your way through your little space even in darkness.

Maybe it was the lack of sight that heightened your other senses, or one of those damn gut feelings everybody who survived some sort of catastrophe talked about. But you suddenly had the weird urge to run away. The hair covering the back of your neck rose, as you started to slowly walk backwards to the front door of your apartment. You were stopped mid track, as the back of your head made contact with the cold metal of a guns muzzle. A little yelp left your lips at the touch and you could feel yourself starting to tremble out of fear.

“Walk!” a high pitched, raspy – probably from not being used in a long time - voice behind you commanded.

You knew that voice. Although it had been a deep, growling noise the last time you had heard it. But you still recognized it and it took everything for you to not double over and cover the floor of your apartment’s hall with your meagre dinner.

“WALK!” the voice shouted, as you hadn’t moved yet and you whimpered, as the gun was pressed into the back of your skull. You instinctively raised your arms, shoulders drawn up and head tilted forward, as you started taking little steps, leading you from the hall into the apartment’s living room, your assailant following right behind you. The pressure from the gun did not lessen for a second.

“Sit!” the voice was back to a deep growl and you complied, taking trembling steps towards your beige two-seater and slowly turning around to sit. It was the first time, you got a good look of your assailant and your stomach dropped another few inches. He looked different, hair even messier, a baseball cap tucked deep down to cover his face, the stubble covering his cheeks now just shy of turning into a beard. The clothing he wore – a stained T-Shirt, a worn-out jeans and leather-jacked – didn’t do anything to conceal the fact that he looked like a homeless person. And you had seriously though he had looked unkempt the last time you saw him. His looks, his clothing, hell, even his stance had changed. But his eyes hadn’t changed a bit since the last time.

_Two eyes, looking like ice turned into flesh, stared you down, as you stood in front of him, a sobbing mess. His right hand held a gun, pointing directly at your forehead, his left hand, a metallic prosthetic, as you had found out a few days ago, rattled quietly, as he took in your form._

_“Please, I don’t wanna die!” you heard yourself sob in a futile attempt to waver some emotion out of ‘the asset’, as his own people called him._

_Than something you would never have anticipated happened. He flinched. Barely recognizable, but it was there. You looked back into those icy blue eyes, literally pleading for your live._

_“Please!” you sobbed again, trembling._

_He slowly lowered his gun and strode towards you. Fear spiked up inside of you and your tremors and sobs turned just more violent._

_“No, No! Shot me, but please don’t strangle me or anything!” you slowly backed away, but you were stopped in your motions by a strong metallic hand grabbing your shoulder. It was that moment that your knees gave away._

_You had nearly done it. You nearly escaped from the Winter Soldier, just to die in the probably most excruciating manner. It felt like some sort of weird punishment. ‘If you wouldn’t have run away, we would have shot you in the head, giving you an easy death! But no, you were a naughty girl, now we can’t kill you that easily, you need to learn your lesson!’_

_You whimper and flinch away, as you feel cold metal touching the tender skin covering your cheek._

_“_ _Тише_ _Кукла_ _” you heard a soft murmur from above and slowly look up._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A dream and too much Doctor Who were somehow the inspiration for this fic.
> 
> The Russian in this chapter:
> 
> тишина кукла - hush doll!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After this chapter the Connie-tag makes much more sense ;-)

“You will provide me with food and shelter and I promise that I will not hurt or kill you!” the same voice ripped you out of your memory. Again, it did not sound harsh but…soft? You nodded franticly and after a moment, the man in front of you lowered his gun and strode over to the couch, tentatively lowering his body to sit to your right.

“It’s been a long time since we saw each other!” he spoke and tears spilled out of your eyes as you felt his metal hand sneaking closer to your arm. “You haven’t changed a bit since then. I wonder, if the skin of your cheeks is still so soft” he continued. Strangely enough, the tone of voice wasn’t cocky or mocking. His words were an emotionless finding. Like he tried to convey his emotions, but his [inexpertness](http://www.dict.cc/englisch-deutsch/inexpertness.html) hindered him. It was then that you brought up the courage to look at him. You couldn’t make out any details in the darkness, but you could see his by moonshine dimly lit eyes inquisitively taking your every move in. His look scooted from your eyes to your now wet cheeks. His facial expression did not change, as he brought up his right hand, still holding the gun, to softly wipe away the wetness from your cheeks.

“Oh dear, why do you always cry, when we see each other?” he sighed.

“Well, why do you always pull a gun at me, when we see each other?” you answer, feeling your blood run cold, thinking of the consequences of such an answer. A smirk tucked at his lips, but never actually reached his lips or the rest of his face. “Still the old tease, Connie!” he joked and his left hand snuck up your right arm to rest on your shoulder. You were thankful, that you still wore your jacked, although, you started to sweat in it.

Connie? Who was Connie? He obviously mistook you for someone else. Before you could dwell on your thoughts, his right hand came to rest on your other shoulder and he pulled you against him. He whispered quiet “C’mer doll” in your ear, reminding you how close it was to the assassin’s mouth now. How close you were to his whole physical being now. You stayed stock still, eyes wide in fear, as you heard a click from the gun now behind your back, praying that he switched the safety on and not off, before you felt it plopping on the sofa cushion behind you. The threat of being shoot any second eliminated, you felt yourself relaxing a little into his embrace, taking in his smell. If he was to stay here, he’d definitely have to take a shower. You opened your mouth to breath, trying to avoid inhaling more of the reek send off by the man, as you feel a hand on your back softly fondling up and down your spine.

“Hey doll, relax, I’m not gonna hurt ya! Unless you wan’ it” he purred into your ear, a bit more emotion in his voice, as he seemed to slowly get used to this again. You felt one last reassuring squeeze, before he grabbed you by the shoulders and pushed you off him slightly. A little glimmer lit up his eyes by now as he slowly put his hands up to cup your face.

“How did you survive so long? Was it HYDRA? God, I couldn’t shake ya off my mind while in Europe, but you still look the same, my beautiful Connie!” he said, fast as a firing machine gun. You felt yourself crying again. It probably would be your certain death, but you had to break it to him.

“I am not Connie! And I have no idea, about whom you are talking!” you whispered quietly, more tears streaming down your face by now. At first he just frowned at you. Then he looked away, confusion distorting his face. You startled when he jumped up with the force and swiftness of a tiger and started to pace through your little living room, murmuring to himself under his breath, probably in Russian. You watched him in silence, slowly stretching your left hand out to grab the gun. Between the constant streams of murmurs coming from his mouth, you picked out several words and phrases. Your fingertips where already about to brush over the cold metal of the gun, when you suddenly heard him scream out one of them.

“I am not mad!” he shouted, an outcry following his words. Your head shoot up just in time to see him falling to his knees, his head thrown back as the guttural scream leaving his lips slowly dying down in his throat. When he was silent again, his head slowly dropped forwards. He muttered the four words too himself over and over and you could see, that his eyes were wide open in terror. And just like that he slumped to side, his eyes rolling back in his head.

You sat still in shock, taking in the now slumped body of the super soldier.

_Less than two years ago you were in a different position. You were a scientist working at a British intelligence base, specialist in the analysis of enemy technology. A few weeks before, your organization’s agents had come across a strange metal prosthetic of a left arm. Rumor said, it once belonged to a soviet assassin named the Winter Soldier. The age analysis had dated the piece of technology back to the early 50s, which actually made no sense, since it was way too sophisticated to be from that time._

_You were just about to run another test, on how the prosthetic reacted to electric stimulus, when you noticed a strange smell. Raising your head to sniff, you realized that it was way too quiet all of a sudden and slowly stepped back from your work desk. Trying to be as quiet as possible, you hushed to the door of your lab and peeked out of the door. A guard normally patrolling the hall, lied there on his back, eyes open. It took you a few seconds to realize, that he was actually dead. You slapped your hand across your mouth to muffle the scream of shock, before you slowly walked out of your lab into the hallway. Like in trance, you followed the smell, now identifying it as the smell of something burning, halting only, when you were in front of a door. You quietly opened the door, taken aback by the picture now branded into your brain._

_It was the room, where the explosives were kept. Three scientists and five guards lied dead on the floor, some of them shoot, some of them missing pieces of their throats. Your attention was then caught by the fire, quietly sizzling near the containers, where the explosives were stored. Horrified you realized, that the whole complex would blow up and scrambled to the nearest fire alarm at the wall pressing the button repeatedly…but nothing happened._

_You didn’t know, that in the control room a few stores above you, Brock Rumlow’s lips curled into a disgusting smirk, as he watched you running out of the room along the hallways via CCTV, trying to find someone to alarm about the fire. “Hey Asset! In for a bit of more fun?!” he snarled, gaining the attention of the weapon. He looked up over Rumlow’s shoulder, watching the screen of the surveillance camera. “She’s in C-4, heading for one of the escape tunnels. You shoulda be save once you’re in one of those!” The Winter Soldier turned around without further reaction and made his way to you._

_You had realized that searching for someone to help was useless. The whole complex would probably blow up in a matter of minutes and you had decided, you would not go down with it, so you ran for one of the emergency evacuation tunnels, leading to ground level somewhere outside the perimeter. You breathed out a sigh of relive, as you saw, that the steel door was still open and unguarded by the enemy. Just as you had stepped over the threshold of the steel door and had turned around to the input field next to the door to punch in your emergency code to close the door, you heard hurried footsteps from the hallway. You raised your head, hoping to see the familiar face of a co-worker, when you froze from fear._

_The first thing you recognized, was the metal arm, than the masked face and finally the blue eyes, even more piercing due to the black cam cream smudged around them. ‘So the stories are true, he does exist’, ghosted in your head, before you came back to full conscience and slammed in the code to close the door. It slowly started to rattle in its hinges, painfully slow. You baraly ducked your head, as the assassin raised his right arm and fired at you. Before you could think of it, you started to run, at least trying to escape somehow. The heavy footsteps behind you got faster and faster, but you did not dear to turn around, even as you heard the door flying shut. Relive started to wash over you and you nearly let out a laugh of joy, when suddenly next to you a bullet hit the ground._

_You immediately froze in your movement, tears welling up in your eyes. Of course you could not escape from him, as you recalled reports of assassinations conducted by him in your mind. Cold fear griped at the edges of your mind, slowly crawling closer and closer to your consciousness as you heard footsteps coming closer to you. You did not even try to stop the tears from spilling or hiding the tremble that had ascertained your whole body._

_“повернись!” a deep, but strangely not harsh voice said behind you. You recognized the language as Russian, having no idea what was said sadly._

_“повернись!” the man behind you repeated, now screaming. You slowly turned around, sobbing as you saw that the Winter Soldier stood merely two steps away from you, his arm raised and his gun pointing exactly at your forehead._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The russian in this chapter:
> 
> повернись! - Turn around!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter closes the story, where the two of them know each other from. Enjoy!

You had the stranger drooling on your living rooms carpet in recovery position. His face was slack, his eyelids twitching every once in a while. You kneeled next to him, the gun firmly in your hands, pointed at his forehead. You knew, that this was probably a bad idea, since you didn’t actually mean to shoot him. He'd most certainly leash out, ripping you apart, once he’d see you pointing his gun at him. But it had lit such a weird spark of power inside of you. Taking the gun in your hand, feeling its weight, seeing, how small it made your hands seem. Just switching the safety off, had had the adrenaline surging thru your body. Actually you were pretty sure, it was the same gun that had been pointed at your forehead a while ago. You just had wanted to know, how it feels to point a gun at someone, knowing you could kill that person in an instant if you wanted. And now, you could not lower it any more.

You nearly jumped at the ceiling, when the man before you suddenly groaned. His eyelids fluttered, which caused you to grip the gun in your hands tighter, your right index finger resting firmly on the trigger. When he finally focused on the guns muzzle, a small smile tugged at his lips, leaving the corners of his mouth twitching.

“Put down the gun doll!” he said, his voice raspy from not being used for some time again.

“No!” you spat back, following his every move, as he rolled onto his back.

“If you really wanted to shoot me, you would have done it, while I was out! Since I am still here, I guess you don’t!” his remark was accompanied with a low chuckle, as he sat up.

And damn, you had to admit, he wasn’t even ugly, especially with that smile tugging at his lips.

“But sure, if it makes you feel better, keep the gun trained at me!” he shrugged and dipped his head ever so slightly to the right, a glint of amusement slowly thawing the coldness in his eyes.

“Since I am your hostage, watcha want me to do, huh?” he purred, his smirk splitting into a full grin at your shocked face.

“Leave my apartment, now!” you shrieked at him and the coldness and sharpness returned to his eyes. He started to slowly crawl towards you, obviously taking great pleasure from seeing you recede away from him. You stopped when you felt the couch pressed against your back and raised your arm again, aiming for his head. Danger radiated from him, so you did not even think about resisting, when he took the gun from your now slack hand and put it in the pocket of his jacket, only to move closer, until he was towering over you, his face inches away from yours. The sass and the swagger had absolutely drained from his face, as he watched you from his position above you, his cold eyes piercing into yours, as he raised his left hand and softly caressed your right cheek with the back of his index finger.

“I like you and as I said, I need food and shelter, so I will not kill you” his hand travelled down to your jaw, mingling there only for a few seconds, before he continued and started to openhandedly caress your neck, “But if you ever touch my stuff again, not to mention aim one of my weapons against me, I will kill you in the most painful way known to human kind!” he continued, emphasizing his words by closing his metal hand around your throat, his bad breath tingling over your lips. You didn’t know, what was worse: His hand clasping at your throat, or the knowledge that the gun wasn’t the only weapon on him.

_It was weird, having your cheek fondled by the man, who would surely kill you any second. The embarrassing part was, that it was not even a bad weird. Not thinking (again), you slowly leaned into the cold touch, soothing the heat of your flushed and tender cheek._

_“вы не получите коснулся много, хм?” he whispered in a warm tone and smiled a lopsided smile at you. You suddenly went calm, your tears subsiding and your trembles and your sobs slowly died away. It was then, that a gigantic explosion roared behind the metal door, shaking the ground. The lights above you start to flicker out and you feel dust raining down onto you from the ceiling. It was in the darkness, that you felt the muzzle of his gun pressed against your forehead. He waited patiently until the light was back again, before he spoke to you:_

_“It’d be a shame to kill you, doll face. Why don’t you run?!” He said and grabbed your left arm to hoist you up to your legs._

_“Tell your organization, that it was the Winter Soldier who blew up this base! Tell them of the horrors you saw today! Make sure that they will fear me and HYDRA!” he snarled at you, the gun still pressed to your forehead._

_“Have you understood me?!” he added with a cruel smile on his lips and shoved you away from himself the moment you started to nod. You tumbled backwards from the force, looking flabbergasted at the living war machine in front of you._

_He suddenly raised his gun shooting right In front of your feet, emphasizing his command to run. You turned around and stumbled away, the whole situation and the run up to the surface already a blur, as you doubled over and covered the mud outside the tunnel with the content of your stomach._

“I guess you’ve told your people what had happened?!” he snarled as he slowly got up to full standing. You could only nod looking up at him.

At a loss of something else to do, you got up yourself and slowly went to the kitchen. “You want dinner?” you mumbled emotionlessly, not even turning back to look at the man. This was probably the reason, why it took him so long to answer. And his yes sounded more like a question itself than a real answer.

“I see, you easily adjust to new situations!” he said as he entered the kitchen as you shrugged off your jacked.

“Well, since you will be staying here for a while, how am I supposed to call you? And no, I will not call you winter soldier!” you asked, ignoring his finding and turned around from the fridge. Damn, you had forgotten to go grocery shopping. As he did not answer, you turned around and opened the freezer. ‘So Pizza it is’ you thought to yourself and unpacked two of them. “I hope you like salami!” you said and turned around holding the frozen pizzas up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The russian in this chapter:
> 
> вы не получите коснулся много, хм? - You haven't been touched in a long time, hm?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long for writing this, but I am super exhausted from my studies!  
> Enjoy and thanks for the kudos!

“Why aren’t you afraid of me?” he asked, giving you a quizzical look.

“I just accepted the fact that I will either die or help you. So are you okay with salami pizza or not? And what is your name?” you answered and looked at him expectantly. He gave you a short nod looking down again. You took this as a ‘yes, I eat pizza and I don’t mind salami’ and unpacked the two frozen pizzas to put them in the oven. It was eerily quiet in your small kitchen, as you tried to not stare at him as he stared at floor, his face distorted in confusion.

“You still haven’t told me your name!” you broke the silence after some while, trying not to look at him.

“I DON’T KNOW!” he roared at you, his face even more distorted than before, his metal hand crashing into the countertop next to him, easily shattering it. He was breathing hard, his whole frame trembling.

“Hush, it’s okay! It’s okay!” you whispered softly, your hands slightly raised in a placating manner, as you slowly walked over to where he was standing. It did not take long for you to cross your small kitchen, although you took your time to look out for any kind of discomfort in his being. His head hung low and both of his hands where balled to tight fists. Not entirely sure of yourself, you slowly reach out with your left hand and brush slightly over his right forearm, from his elbow down to his wrist. He flinched slightly, as your fingertips made contact with his bare skin, but he did not pull back, which you took as a good sign. Bolder now, you cautiously wrapped your fingers around his wrist, pulling his hand up to yourself and put your right hand over his closed fist. Not wanting to scare him, you loosened your grip around his wrist, now holding his fist in the palm of your hand. Slowly and softly you’re petted his fingers, trying to cox them open. It took some minutes, but eventually you got to hook your crooked fingers onto his fingertips and gently pulled his fist open. His palm was calloused and little white scars were everywhere, covering the skin of his hand. Curiously, you slid your fingers over the skin of his palm, earning a slight gasp from the man in front of you. You looked up, right into his eyes, which showed nothing but reverence and awe. You looked back to his hand, a feverish blush creeping up your face. You had to clear your throat before you could speak again.

“Maybe you want to take a shower, you know, get yourself clean! I can go to the grocery store and get you a shaver and every…” -”No!” he interrupted you, leaving you a bit confused yourself now.

“I don’t want you to go out alone!” he answered your question, which was probably written all over your face. You nodded and continued “Feel free to use my stuff than. I am just not sure, if you are fine with the smell!” Now he gave you a confused look and you just entwined his fingers with yours, still a bit lightheaded from the earlier success, trying to tug him behind you to the bathroom. You walked exactly 1,5 steps, before his lack of movement made you tumble back like an elastic band. You looked back at him, nearly giggling once you see the look of utter shock in his face, staring down onto his right hand.

“Haven’t been touched in a while, huh?” you smiled up at him and tucked at his hand once more, tilting your head into the direction of the bathroom. “I know where your bathroom is, I hid in it earlier!” he answered a bit breathy, still starring down at his hand, slowly lifting his thumb from the back of your hand, crooking it and lowering it again to your skin, just to flatten it against the back of your hand again. So that’s why he could creep up right behind you.

“Are you sure you’d know your way in there? I mean, I don’t think they head such sophisticated showers back in the 30s and 40s! And I am pretty sure not that many beauty products! Even I get confused sometimes!” You babbled not noticing, how the look in his eyes changed. If you would have watched him closely, you would have seen the small pained smile working up its way from the corners of his mouth to the middle of his lips. You would have seen his jaw relax ever so slightly. And last but not least, you would have actually seen the tears welling up in his eyes.

So it took you by utter surprise, as the soldier force hugged you. You could feel his shoulders heaving, his ragged breathing, as sobs shuddered through his body and warm tears trickling down you neck. You reluctantly put your arms around his shoulders, not moving at first. But the mother instinct inside of you got better of you and you actually started to pat his back and even buried one of your hands in his greasy hair to hold his head in place. It would have been the perfect moment, if the alarm you set wouldn’t have gone off that very moment. And of course the super assassin’s training kicked in and he was back in his battle stance in no time.

“Please, stay calm, it’s just my kitchen timer! It will not hurt you!” you said and walked slowly up to you fridge, showing him the digital clock and switching it off. His eyes were slightly narrowed and the hard edge in his features were back, although the look on his face was slightly flawed by the fact, that there were still tears smeared on his face. You just sighed and got two plates out, arranging the two pizzas on the plates trying your best not to burn yourself. Which you actually manage today. Yeah, being cool for once and not utter clumsy smurf!

You held his plate out to Mister Winter, which he accepted sniffing conspicuously at the food in front of him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'll post both chapters I wrote today as atonement. I tipped them in a rush, so there might be a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes!

You sat at the little table in your living room, eating your pizza in silence, the Winter Soldier right next to you at your left. Well, near silence. Mister Winter was taking little bites, while staring at you. You had your gaze fixed onto the slowly emptying plate in front of you. Not because of his stare, but because of the fact, that his food restlessly tapped the floor and you could hear him switch the safety of the gun he held in his left hand on and off again. He was nervous. Really, downright nervous. And as far as you were concerned that was really bad. You cleared your throat, finally mustering the guts to speak up.

“Could you please put the gun on the table? It is really rude and unnerving to have someone sit at the same table with you, who is constantly playing with a loaded gun!”

You wanted to sound confident and annoyed, but a raspy whisper was all that would leave your dry throat. Damn, you should have thought of something to drink, at least to have your fingers play with something. 

“There is a knife on the table. I need to be able to defend myself. I am still not sure if I can trust you!” he replied quietly and took another small bite of his pizza. “Yes, but I am not a trained assassin, who could grab that knife and stab you with light speed!” your reply sounded way more frustrated, stressed out and hurt, than you could ever have liked, so you just simply dropped what was left of the piece you had chewed on and buried your face in your hands. What were you even doing? What was wrong with you?! There was a brutally trained master assassin in your flat and you didn’t even think twice about inviting him to stay as long as he wanted. You worked for an organization, that had him as one of their number ten targets and you did not even think about calling your boss. Or Steve Rogers, who had been searching for the man sitting a few inches away from you for about a year now. And yet all you did, was complaining about his table manners.

Your train of thoughts was halted by the sound of a gun being put on the table. You slowly raised your head, looking at the gun that now idly lay next to Winter Wiener’s plate.

(You actually bid your tongue at the sound of the name in your head. God, it maybe was a good thing he didn't tell you to call him by his real name. So at least you’d come up with the coolest nicknames for him and actually might be the hit of a conversation at work for once.)

“James” you heard him mumble into the piece of pizza right in front of him. You tore your eyes away from the gun, as you had tried to determine whether the safety was on or off. Slowly your eyes traveled up his arm and his face to his eyes. “My name is James Buchanan Barnes. I was born 1916. Best friends since childhood, Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers were inseparable on both schoolyard and battlefield. Barnes is the only Howling Commando to give his life in service of his country.” He went on mechanically, his eyes staring into yours, but not fixing to you gaze. You nodded carefully entwining your fingers to put your chin on your propped up arms. His eyes followed you, mechanical, dead glass orbs.

“Well, I see you’ve been to the Smithsonian!” you whispered, giving him a small smile. It obviously woke him up from his trance like state. His eyelids fluttered a few times and you could see a bit of life coming back to his eyes. His gaze dropped shortly, before returning straight back up to yours. He obviously had composed himself, as the well-known edge of coldness and distance was back to his face.

“My mission…the man…Stevie. He had called me Bucky. He thought I was his long dead friend. And he started to tell me my name. That we were friends since…well forever. I didn’t know anything about myself, except for the fact, that I kill people. That’s what I do…did. So I went to the Smithsonian. It was my first clue. And went there again, trying to find out more about me. Trying to…” he had started to rumble, but immediately closed up again, when he processed, what he had said. Or maybe what he would have said. His gaze travelled to his gun, as he raised his metal hand to cursory glide his fingers over the guns frame in a loveless pat. “I guess people call me Bucky!” he added barely audible.

“What do you want me to call you?” you asked, trying to give him a sincere look in his eyes. His gaze flickered to your face, before he resumed fondling his gun. A shrug of his shoulders was his only answer to it.

“Oh come on, everybody knows what they want to be called and what they don’t want to be called!” – a snort from his side interrupted you for a second – “Why don’t you tell me, which names you don’t like and we find a name to call you by ruling out?!” another snort was his answer, as his right hand started to fondle the edge of his plate. A humorless, tight lipped smirk had formed on his lips.

“How about not ‘Winter Soldier’ or ‘Asset’, but instead ‘Monster’ or ‘Murderer’ or ‘Killer’? They sure fit, don’t you think so?!” he pressed out through gritted teeth, his breathing now forced huffs entering his body though his nose. You saw, that he had started to tremble and slowly glided one of your hands to his right hand. Carful to make sure he had recognized your hand before you touched, you roamed with your hand above his, before finally brushing your palm over the back of his hand. You heard him release a shuddering breath, as he looked up to you again. Pain was written over his features, oozing out of his eyes.

“How about Bucky?” you asked softly, but he immediately shook his head.

“The man who used to be Bucky is dead! I am not worthy of this name!” he said, back to his mechanical self, but the same moment he let out a deep breath, relaxing a bit. You had a dark boding what his training had included, but again the assassin – former, FORMER, assassin you reminded yourself in your head – interrupted your thoughts.

“James” he whispered again. “James would be nice” he almost shyly looked up to you, his hands now hidden under the table.

“Y/N! Nice to meet you!” you smiled back at him, outstretching your hand to him.

“I…I don’t think I like doing this yet!” he said gesturing to your outstretched hand.

You’d never forget his flabbergasted look, as you started to laugh at him.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to hit a more playful tone in this chapter, plus, a bit of smut has sneaked its way into this one ;-)  
> Enjoy!

“No!” he said firmly, the grip on your arm solid, but not supposed to actually hurt you. Just there to keep you in place. “You will not leave the room, unless I am coming with you!” he continued, his fear and his training had taken full hold of him again.

“But you will shower and for showering you will have to get naked! Also I still have to get clothes for you from my bedroom, because you will not get back into these!” you tried to reason with him, as you pointed at his dirt caked, reeking outfit. His gaze wandered over you, as he took in your form again, frowning a little. “It’s some old stuff from my ex! I kinda like to wear it, when I wanna get comfy!” you explained and he shortly nodded.

“You will still not get out of my sight!” he said matter-of-factly and took off his baseball cap. He put it on the stool next to the shower/bathtub and went on to strip out of his jacked. In lack of anything else to do, you walked over to the shower taking some of the bottles out.

“Well, this is a body wash” you told him holding the bottle up for him to see, putting it back to the edge of the bathtub after he gave you a short nod. “And this is a…hm…this is shampoo for your hair!” you said a bit distracted, as James just had started to peel his T-Shirt off his body and over his head. You cleared your throat, as it started to get very dry. Holy e-fing fuck, he was surely ripped. He gave you a nod again and you proceeded with the bottle as you had done with the body wash.

“If you want to shave you can…JESUS!” you exclaimed and immediately averted your eyes. James had just started to get out of his jeans. And although you had turned your head away as fast as you could, the glimpse you got did tell you he was one of the commando guys.

“Yes?” he asked and you could hear him kicking off his jeans and peel off his socks.

“Is something wrong?” he asked and you could hear him coming closer, when you continued to just clear your throat instead of answering him.

“Ya, I am alight, I’m just…you know…normally people are not that…comfortable to…you know…ehhh…” you stuttered, violently gesturing with your hands, hoping, he would somehow understand what you were referring too.

“Are you offended by my nudity?” he suddenly asked. He was way too close now. You were sure, he did not even have to fully raise one of his arms to touch your back. You nodded. God, it was so hot in here suddenly and you felt a bright flush rising up from your chest, over your neck up to your cheeks. A ruffling noise behind you startled you and you tried to get a faint glimpse at the mirror, to see what was happening behind your back. Your eyes were immediately met by James’s and you could see, that he had wrapped a towel around his waist in order to cover himself. “Better?” he asked and you slowly turned around to him. It never occurred to you, how much taller than you he actually was, until this moment. Your eyes got caught by the sight of his nipples, taunt erect little nubs on his pectorals. It probably wasn’t as warm in your bathroom as you felt.

A prod against you shoulder woke you from your hypnotic trance and you looked up into James’s face. “Are you sure you’re alright? You seem flushed and absentminded! Are you having a cold?” he asked, genuine concern oozing from his words. A few hushed ‘Ya!’ did the trick to calm him, as you turned around again, trying to find something you could distract yourself with. You still felt his presence radiating against yours. His smell, a mixture of musk, sweat and rank already filled your bathroom. You shakily gripped for your shaver and held it out for James to see.

“I’ll put this one with some shaving foam on the sink. So you can shave if you want to!” you said and walked over to the sink, placing the shaver there, bending down to obtain a new razor blade and a tooth brush from the counter under your sink. As you stood straight again, you jumped at the sight of James right behind you. You stumbled right into his broad form and his arms were immediately there to keep you from falling. His hands hovered slightly over your skin, once you were safely back on your feet again. His head dipped slightly forward and his eyes closed as he inhaled the scent of your hair. His hands came to rest on your upper arms lightly and rested there for a moment, before he actually slid them down to rest his hands over yours, eventually entwining his fingers into yours. Your breath hitched at the sudden soft touch. It felt slightly weird, having one warm, but rough hand holding your right and a cold, yet smooth hand holding your left one. His breath hit your ear, as he tilted his head more forward. It was the moment you actually closed your eyes and started to lean back. You leaned back…and met nothing.

Your eyes flew open in panic, as you felt yourself losing balance, but a strong hand pressed against your thoracic spine, keeping you from falling backwards.

“So I guess showers haven’t changed that much in the last seventy years. Not to mention that I actually did shower a few times at the homeless shelter. You know, when I could be sure no one would watch” he said, as you turned around to face him.

He must have suddenly moved with one quick stride. He was merely two steps away from you. You could tell, that his guard was up again, his shoulders straight, his eyes observing you watchfully.

“Do you still want me to stay in your sight?” you asked faintly and he dwelled on this thought shortly, before he nodded “Get into this corner, face it! I can actually see you in the mirror there!” he commanded and pointed at the mentioned corner. You obliged and shortly afterwards you heard the shower running.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry that I haven't posted in such a long time, but I had finals (murderous, hardcore mechanical engineering finals). But over the holidays I finally had some time to write. So enjoy :-)

“Would you hurt me?” you heard yourself say, while James stood in front of the mirror brushing his teeth. A frown was on his face, when he turned to face you. “What do you mean?” he asked, his speech slurred by the foam in his mouth. He bend down to spit out the foam and looked at you again. He had shaved meanwhile and you still weren’t quite used to the contrast made up by his long hair and his clean shaved face. “I told you I will not hurt you!” he exclaimed and a flash of hurt crossed his eyes.

“I know, but my mind goes to places when I get bored! I am not used to wait for things to finish! I can’t watch the water boil or stand in front of the oven while something’s cooking. I need to keep myself busy, but you are preventing me from multitasking. I could have gotten some blankets and a pillow out for you, I could have gotten some clothes for you to sleep in and I could have gotten ready for bed myself. And while I was thinking about the things I could have done, while I was facing the wall instead, it also crossed my mind, what you would probably do to me, if I disobeyed you!” you explained to him.

James’ head hung low as you looked up again. “James, I don’t want make you feel bad, but I am a bit edgy due to your presence here. I don’t mean for you to leave…well not immediately, but please stop keeping me from doing things the way I do them!” you continued and watched as James rinsed his mouth, not spearing a glance at you. “I know we don’t know each other that long and the last time we met you pulled a gun at me, but please trust me! I don’t mean to hurt you or even tell anyone you are here. I just wish you would trust me!” you whispered and reached out to touch his right hand, which clutched at the sink violently.

“Do you trust me?” he whispered his eyes fixed on the sinks’ tab, even as your fingers started to lightly stroke the skin of his hand. “Enough to let you sleep here and not shoot you, when I had the chance to!” you answered and let your hand wander from his hand over his form arm and upper arm to his shoulder. You felt muscles tensing and rippling under your touch, but James did not pull away, even as you snug closer to him resting your other hand on his shoulder as well.

“I am so sorry for what they did to you!” you whispered against his shoulder and rested your forehead against it. “But you are save now, they will never hurt you again!” you went on, a bit unsure of what was actually making you do so. A quite sob made you lift your head and look into the mirror. Tears where streaming down James’ face, his eyes already red from crying.

You immediately squeezed yourself between the sink and him to pull him into a tight hug. You felt him breaking in your arms, as a heart wrenching sob broke out of him, making his whole body shudder and leaving him trembling. It only took a moment before his arms gave out and most of his weight rested on your shoulders. You actually felt tears welling up in your own eyes. You probably never saw someone so broken in your whole life.

“Hush dear, it is alright! I’ll bring you to bed, you’ll have a nice night of sleep and tomorrow the world will be a better place!” you whispered in his ear. Whatever you had said, it made him jump and he stumbled backwards. “Don’t make me sleep! Please don’t make me sleep!” he whimpered, tears still flowing down his cheeks. “James you don’t have to sleep if you don’t want to, just let me give you something to slip in and let me tuck you in! You’ve been through a lot just let me take care of you!” you pleaded at him and advanced at him your hands already reaching out to take his in yours. But James kept walking back till his back hit the wall. His hands were still outstretched in a manner of defence. His sobs slowly subsided and his hands fell back to his sides, well not immediately, but after he had rubbed his eyes and the tears away from his cheeks.

“Why do you care for me?” he whispered, his voice hoarse and raspy. “No one has cared for me since…I don’t know! The people at the homeless shelter where nice to me, but before that…the handler, he was just nice to me for lessons. It is called positive reinforcement. Or at least that’s what the internet says.”

“James, I am nice to you because I see no reason why I should not be nice to you” – “I pulled a gun at you and shot at you!” – “Yes, you did” – “And I aimed a gun at you and forced you to do things and threatened you just an hour ago” – “Yes, bu…” – “And I followed you around since I saw you in the Smithsonian, while waiting for Steve to turn up and then I waited for a good opportunity to break into your apartment, hide in this very bathroom and wait for you to come home!” – “Wait a sec…” – “I am not someone you should be nice to, not to mention trust!”

Both of you were silent for a bit. “You waited for Steve Rogers at the Smithsonian?” you asked attentively and received a small nod. “I needed a place to go, the homeless shelters were no place to stay for too long. I also couldn’t leave D.C. safely on my own so I thought he might help me hide from HYDRA.” James explained and slumped against the wall.

“Come up darling! I’ll get to bed!” you said, grabbing one of his hands in a futile attempt to pull him up again. He got up again and the towel he had fastened around his waist again, after showering slid from his form. A high pitched sound left your throat as your gaze dropped to his manhood and you closed your eyes, as you felt another violent blush creep up your body.

Silence hung heavy in the air, as none of the both of you dared to say a word. You jumped a little when you felt a pair of hands softly lying down on your shoulders, resting for a moment before the said hands started to roam your body. Your breath hitched as soft and hard fingertips glided over the soft swell over your breasts, travelling down to hem of your shirt. “May I?” James asked quietly, as you felt him playing with the hem. You nodded, still not daring to open your eyes.   


	8. Chapter 8

You felt his fingertips brushing along your skin, as he carefully pulled your shirt up and over your head. Again his fingertips brushed against your skin, exploring and caressing. Although you were not quite sure, which purpose James was following more, to caress or to re-explore the feeling of skin under his fingertips. You nearly opened your eyes, as you heard him getting down on his knees. Again his fingertips started to move against you skin, but this time you were too distracted by his warm breath hitting the soft flesh of your stomach in little puffs, to keep track of where his fingertips were on your torso exactly. So you were quite taken aback, when you felt his fingertips travelling from your stomach to your back, fondling the skin covering your spine and a little yelp escaped your throat, when you felt his lips grazing the skin just over your liver.

“Relax doll, I’m not gonna do anything’ you don’ want to!” he whispered against your skin, as you felt his left hand pressing against your back in an futile attempt to open your bra. “You want my help?” you pressed out, trying to even your breath. You slowly cracked your eyes open, oppressing the voices in your head telling you, how wrong this was. As your eyes focused on his face, you saw the most beautiful smile, you ever saw on his face. Not thinking twice about it, you raised your hands to hold his face and leaned down to plant a soft kiss on James’ face.

His hands went slack just were they were, holding you. You had kept your eyes open, to make sure, you would actually see the moment, when his would fall close. And they did. The, at first…well, let’s not say shocked, but definitely confused and concerned, look in his eyes had vanished in an instant and had been replaced with that certain glassines. And only a few moments later his eyes had fallen shut.

But still you felt, that this was his first kiss in an eternity. As you started to move your lips, his stayed rigorously shut and his hands had slid down to rest on your hips. Retreat to save waters. “If I do something you don’t like you have to tell me!” you whispered, still a bit breathless by the experience of kissing the man kneeling in front of you. “Oh don’t worry! But I might indeed need some help!” he smiled up at you his eyebrow raised as his gaze dropped back to your breasts. “We’ve been on the moon, but those are still as hard to open as a safe!” he murmured and buried his head against your right breast. You slowly reached around your body and opened the clasp of your bra, then reached around again to bury one of your hands in his still damp hair to make him look up at you.

“Feel free!” you cooed at him and watched breathless, as he realized, what the now loose fit of your bra meant. And that your words meant for him to actually remove it. You recognized his hands trembling as he lifted them to the straps of your bra. He swallowed hard, as he pushed them off your shoulders testing and they actually did move quite easily. “Well, go on!” you teased him and smiled open heartedly at him as he did continue to push down your bras’ straps. His jaw went utterly slack, when your bra finally did come off, revealing the soft swell of you breasts’. You looked down and actually saw pre-come glistening at the tip of his penis.

“Why don’t you touch me?” you asked, as his hands did not move and his gaze was fixed on your chest. His eyes slowly wandered back to your face, his mouth still hanging open and his eyes glassy.

“Come with me!” you whispered seductively, as you turned around to leave the room. Behind you, you heard James scrambling to his feet and quickly following at your heels, as you walked from the bathroom to your bedroom.  


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, that it took so long, but there have been some serious changes in my life, but finally (thankfully) I got to write this chapter. Special thanks to Mariah and kokoro_no_yume for the comments!   
> Enjoy!

 

“What am I supposed to do?” James murmured unsure of himself, standing in front of your bed. You had just slumped into your pillows and started to sprawl out, trying to look as inviting and seductive as possible.

“Come here and lie with me, I will show you the rest!” you whispered back and reached out your hand for James to take into his. But instead of lowering his body to lie next to yours’, he pulled your body up to crash into his, strong arms instantly closing around your body, pressing it against his. Your head still swirling, he pressed an aggressive kiss against your lips. A kiss, bruising, hungry, but also so, so unsure. It was a thing you had learned through the years:

The more unsure someone felt in a situation, the more aggressive they tended to react. And James was so unsure. Or wasn’t he?

A sudden thought erupted in your head, as you remembered what your psychology teacher had taught you once. Conditioning as part of brainwashing. You immediately opened your eyes wide, just before you feel James’ tongue pressing against your closed lips. You thrash your hands against his chest, pushing and clawing against his chest in an attempt to make him stop. To make him understand, that he didn’t have to do this! In a last attempt you slapped both your hands flatly against his chest. At last he understood. A furrow of lack of understanding distorted his features, as you looked up in his hands, cupping his face with your hands.

“You don’t have to do this!” you whispered, stroking his face. Without braking the gaze, you let your hands slowly slip down his body, caressing, massaging skin and the flesh beneath it.

“Let me show you” you continued, meanwhile your fingertips where ghosting over the skin covering his Apollo’s belt “How to make love, instead of fucking!”

You had no doubt anymore, that he had been sexually conditioned, as he was clearly trying to keep control, as tremors of pleasure were jolting through his body and his erection did not simply stand straight and proud, but had started to colour purple and glisten with more and more pre-come.

“Close your eyes, I’ll make you feel good!” you whispered and lowered yourself on your knees, looking up again just in time to see him violently shaking his head. “Ok, than keep your eyes open and watch” you said as seductively as possible, as you redirected your gaze to his impressive, ready to go off, penis.

Slowly, you enveloped to tip with your lips, before you let the tip of your tongue caress the glans and then slip under his penis, as you lowered his face to meet the rest of his body. A goal you would never achieve – let’s face it, he’s a super soldier! Tentatively hollowed out your cheeks, as James doubled over above you, his hands painfully gripping our shoulders, as he tried to stabilise himself and a groan leaving his lips, as something different left another of his body openings. Without actually planning to, you sit back on your heels, as the second hot spurt hit your chest and chin.

James was now completely trembling, his grip slowly weakening, to the point, when you could actually brush his hands off your shoulders and get up. You let your hands brush over the skin of his chest, his sides and his back, as you pulled him into an embrace.

“Come to bed with me” you whispered and ended the embrace, taking his hands in yours, pulling him down to bed with you.   


End file.
